Ep. 50: Rockstar Writer Jancee Dunn On How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids

"That was maybe where I was a little bit socialized at Rolling Stone. For many years, I was one of the only female editors and I just noticed how direct the men were. They would say 'Hey, can you do this?' and if it didn't happen, they just kind of moved on. So I learned from that to just ask. And if they say no, they're not thinking about you. They're getting 200 emails, they don't care. The person isn't obsessing about you the way you're thinking they are. Take the emotion out of it whenever you can."

Writer and journalist Jancee Dunn talks about her new, soon-to-be bestselling book, How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids. Jancee has had a fascinating career, starting as one of the few women working at Rolling Stone magazine in the 90s and interviewing stars ranging from Madonna to Beyonce, moving on to being a MTV VJ and a GQ sex columnist, and even writing for Oprah and penning Cyndi Lauper's memoir. Her latest project started as a way to save her child from experiencing marital conflict and resulted in a hysterical, must-have handbook for new moms. Get inspired by Jancee's courage to "just ask" throughout her career, and even hear who's more alluring in person - Brad Pitt or George Clooney!

"When you have a child, you have a new relationship. It's brand new. We had to start from scratch and construct everything from the ground up, and that included clear division of labor because so many people told me, from psychologists to marriage counselors to time management experts, that the arguments arise when there's a lack of clarity. When your roles are clear, that takes care of a lot."

We discuss Jancee's fascinating career path, how her marriage suffered after having a child, the importance of dividing up labor, negotiating in work and marriage, taking ownership of your needs, feeling entitled to ask for things, interviewing celebrities from Madonna to Beyonce, how being nice to people helped her get ahead, and her best tip for cold-calling and emailing.

"My career path has been arbitrary but I did find that when I got out of my own way and just recklessly did something, one thing would lead to another thing that would lead to another thing that would lead to another. It's been kind of crazy all the strange things I've done but they've been really satisfying."

What you'll learn:

  • Jancee is the author of "How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids."
  • Jancee used to work at Rolling Stone, she was a VJ on MTV and wrote a book with Cyndi Lauper.
  • They were happily married until they had a child when they started arguing.
  • The fights were about the household division of labour.
  • Jancee sought a solution to their problems because she didn't want to keep fighting around her daughter.
  • The brainwaves of 6 month olds are affected by parents fighting.
  • Jancee saw that the problems also came from her with maternal gate keeping and believing social constructs like "male alone time"
  • It's important for women to leave the house for alone time.
  • This can't be done in the house with small children around.
  • Jancee negotiates in her marriage during a Friday night meetings where they separate parental duties.
  • Don't imagine thoughts in your partners head, this is called the "story I'm making up" and it's usually false.
  • This isn't Jancee's first book, she wrote "Enough about me" in 2006 about her time at Rolling Stone.

Advice:

  • Always be nice to everyone because you don't know when and where you'll see them again.
  • If you want something, just ask - don't agonize over it because if they say no they're not thinking about you.
  • Take the emotion out of it whenever you can.
  • Ask for something directly and then offer something in return - keep it transactional.
  • If you offer something, be specific - never say let me know what i can do.
  • Make a recipient laugh in the subject line if it's a cold call email.
  • If you do something wrong don't get caught in shame spiral because by the next day everyone else has forgotten.

Learn more:

  • Buy "How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids" on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104
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